Well, I've done it again.

It's been well over a year since I closed up my last blog (and I wholeheartedly believed that I would never blog again). Yeah, this comes to show and confirm that to me, there is always this underlying appeal that blogging has which constantly comes to reel me back in again.

It's the kind of appeal similar to when I am drawn into watching horror movies. Now, I am the worst when it comes to handling anything with horror - put in supernatural and I won't sleep for weeks on end. Yet, when a horror movie pops up on television, or it's the unanimous choice amongst my friend's movie marathon list, I am compelled. Gravitated to sit my ass down onto the couch and curl into my seat through two long hours of !@#$-I-just-shat-in-my-pants watching the movie.

Do I regret it? Yes.
Do I lose years of my life unable to sleep because of it? Yes.
Do I always vow to myself to never watch horror again? Yes.
Do I ever follow through with it? No - hell no.

So this is how it is with me and blogging. I've had my "goodbyes" with blogs a fair few times now. My friends have probably gotten so used to it, they're not surprised I've opened up another blog. Though that doesn't really stop me, it's a funny thought. I always find myself believing that I am officially breaking up with my blog, but that never works out.

I wonder if that's the dynamic in relationships that end..


But there's always the epilogue after the curtains of a relationship draw in. The temptation to pick up the phone, to check on Facebook, to track their Instagram, to do anything to suffice that immense sadness and loneliness of missing your ex-partner. That strong and lingering appeal to want to go back to 'how things were before' even knowing very well, it won't ever be the same again.

Maybe it's human nature to seek something in our pasts - to dig up what's been buried. It really is our very own, very raw and instinctual human flaw that we compare what is, with what was. Though it is not to say that we are all enamoured with our past, but in my opinion, it is very hard (maybe near impossible) to move on from something without acknowledging and reflecting on what has happened. Many say to "forget about it". I see the intention to wanting to forget as not an act of moving on but rather escaping your thoughts. To snip lengths off of your memory film strip. But you need to revel in both the good and the bad of the past, in order to truly be able to take a step forward. Otherwise, if you go straight ahead, unbeknownst of how the past has shaped you, then aren't you just running away?

For some people, it's difficult. What many believe themselves to be as moving on,  they really are only chained by ball-and-steel to their past. They let it consume them and it dictates how they are in the present. Of course, some things are extremely difficult to move on from. We all have dark chapters in our past that we constantly bookmark to read over again. We read them over and over and over, but eventually, we realise we've lost the page that we were reading on from before. What then? We re-read pages in order to find the page we lost. It becomes a process that sucks up your time, and you become tired.

That's why with anything - a mistake, a relationship ending, a dire event, anything - we should not forget that there is always a token to take from it. Whether that token is a hidden or new truth about ourselves, or something to learn from the event, we should confront it - with the intention to reflect. With the intention to learn. With the intention to move on.

If we really want to walk straight ahead, we need to be mindful of how far we've gone.

Anne xo

Labels: mythoughts, thiswasonlymeanttobeanintroductorypost